The Melancholy of Ragna the Bloodedge
by Epsilon Zeta
Summary: As if dealing with ESPers, aliens and time travellers aren't enough, throw in a brother-con of a sister, a vampire stalker and a mecha musume yandere and what do you get? Originally developed as a response to a prompt from Jamil Nate of Hawk's TFF forum.
1. Haruhi Suzumiya's surprising discovery

While Haruhi was ranting about my so-called betrayal by keeping my true nature from her, I watched the reactions of the other brigade members.

Koizumi's smile was gone. He was subtly, for him anyway, glaring at me. I couldn't decide if it was because I managed to deceive him or by upsetting the resident goddess so much that apocalypse season might open early. Knowing my luck, it was both.

Asahina-san was looking at me with teary eyes and trembling lips as if I had trampled her puppy. I was sure that her future self would have words with me sooner or later.

Nagato... Well, she actually stopped reading and raised an eyebrow! Talk about overreacting (by her standards anyway).

"KYON!"

Ah, she caught me not listening to her. She was approaching critical mass, I just knew it. Well, she had been looking for the unusual all this time and she found it in me... the 'normal' guy. Oh, she was surprised, no doubt. But any joy at her discovery had been swiftly crushed by anger.

I suppose my actions could be seen as lying and betrayal. It was a secret. What did they expect?

"So!? All this time... WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY ANYTHING?!?"

I tried to think of a satisfactory answer but what came out of my mouth was…

"I thought you wouldn't be interested."

"Eh?!" Aha, didn't expect that, did you? "I created this club to find out about things... er, people like you! HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?!?"

"You said and I quote: _If you're not an alien, a time traveller or an esper, I'm not interested!_, right? Well, I'm not any of those three things, sorry."

Haruhi's mouth made a good fish impression as she couldn't find a proper response to that.

"Technically, Ragna… since we both passed through the Boundary, that would label us as time travellers in a sense."

You're not helping, you damn rabbit.


	2. The distorted awakening of v13

...

......

..........

...... rebooting OS......

**Where... am I? Ragna... where are you?**

Reboot complete. Analyzing... analyzing... analysis complete. Primary objective has not been completed.

**Ragna?! RAGNA?!? What happened?! Why didn't we go through?!**

Accessing memory banks. Time Index: December 24, 2199... 0140 hours.

**Yes, yes... we were going through the Boundary together... and then...!**

"_Grab my hand, quickly!_"

**THAT BITCH!! SHE TOOK MY RAGNA!!!**

Scanning... scanning... scanning... scanning... scan complete. Subject identified as u-12.

**Who cares if she's a predecessor unit?! I'll rip the flesh from her bones for taking away Ragna from me!!**

Secondary objective established: Termination of predecessor unit, u-12.

**Yes, she must die... and then Ragna will come back! I'm sorry that we didn't destroy this sick world properly... but I'll make things right! I'll make you proud of me, Ragna!!**

Initiating scan for Azure Grimoire Armagus signature... scanning... scanning... scanning... scan complete. Primary target detected approximately 70 miles Northwest from this position.

**Wait for me, Ragna!! I'm coming to you!!**


	3. The declaration of Rachel Alucard

Honestly, I probably would have been able to keep my secret a secret if it hadn't been for the SOS brigade's current guest, who was sipping some of Asahina-san's tea in her personal favourite teacup.

"Hmm... quite a delightful flavour. It is very well brewed."

"T-thank you." Don't be fooled by that devil's charms, Asahina-san!

"The texture of the liquid does go well against the tongue. It reminds me of your blood, Ragna..."

I really did wonder how did she manage to find me even after the chaos of the Library's destruction and a general reset of the world thanks to one little mecha musume.

"Oh, come now. Did you think that something like v-13's little plan would stop me from pursuing you?"

If I recall correctly, v-13's plan involved killing me and using it as a chain reaction to blow up the world so that she would be binded to me in her deluded mind... or something. Either way, you shouldn't be here. Go home already!

"Castle Alucard has yet to be completed at the current time which reminds me..." A pause. "As I intend to take my place as the head of the Alucard clan in this time, I will require a candidate as my fiancé by my side to solidify my claim as I am of age to be married. I have selected you as that candidate, Ragna."

You have got to be kidding me. Why me?

"W-what's that?"

Koizumi's startled question all had us looking at the window where we could see a mecha musume with long silver hair in a braid hover just outside the brigade club room.

She seemed to say something to herself before she flung her bulky frame towards us.

*CRASH*

"RAAAAAGGGNNNNAA!!!!"

If I were any other normal male teenager who allowed his hormones to dominate his state of mind a majority of the time, I probably would have been delighted to have my head mashing against the cleavage of a beautiful young girl. More so if I were an anime fan since the one currently doing the squishing of the cleavage against me has the appearance of a Mecha Musume with mechanical leg armour, arm guards, a visor and some other stuff that an otaku would probably be able to identify.

However, there were more important things to worry about. Such as how long it'll be until Haruhi comes back to reality and throws a temper tantrum.

"Ragna......! I've finally found you!"

Oh yes... and then there's v-13 peppering my face with kisses. And you're going to poke my eye out with that visor of yours at this rate.

"Sorry!"

I was hoping she would simply back off but instead she simply willed her visor and her mechanical parts away to show me her left red eye shining with adoration and a body dressed in some light blue spandex and a white cape. The last time I saw her like that was when she was fussing over some injury I had or something like that.

"How did you come to this time period? When you fell into the cauldron, it was supposed to drop you off at the year 2099. How did you manage to find your way here?"

"Ragna and I are destined to be together. It's a story that cannot be re-written." A deranged giggle came from the Mecha Musume cradling my head. "You can't stop the Wheel of Fate from turning! We shall destroy this pathetic excuse for a world and spend eternity together in oblivion!"

Rachel, unlike the rest of the Brigade, hardly seemed worried about that declaration. "Keep dreaming, little doll."

"W-What the hell are you talking about?!"

Welcome back to reality, Haruhi.

"It's nothing to worry about. Although he has the memories of his old life, he does not have the power that defined him as the God of Death. As such, she cannot carry out her goal."

v-13 didn't look so good when she heard Rachel's statement, which I admit gave me a little satisfaction. No good killing me now and trying to kick start Armageddon when I can't even access my Armagus. Although it's a bit worrisome seeing that glint in Haruhi's eye when Rachel mentioned the Azure Grimoire in such a manner.

"Now let us move on to more important matters such as planning out the party where we will formally announce the engagement."

How the hell is that an important matter, Rachel? For one thing, I am not interested in getting hitched anytime soon! And saying that in front of v-13 may not be a wise idea as well. But strangely enough, she didn't react the way I thought she would. Instead she did something else...

"Searching... searching... searching... searching... search complete. Query entered has returned 15 results. Assessing and evaluating returned results..." The visible left eye of v-13 seemed to be focused on something else.

"Hold on a second!! I won't be allowing this engagement or whatever! As Brigade Chief, I have not authorized Kyon to go and get married!" I haven't even gotten married. Hell I haven't even agreed to the stupid bunny's engagement. "Now if you tell me about this God of Death vibe that Kyon used to have, I may consider it!"

Rachel, if you have any sense of decency, you will not tell Haruhi about my old life. The last thing I need is for her to accidentally unlock my Armagus and let v-13's crazy plan for the apocalypse to unfold.

"Evaluation complete. Based on current resources of this time frame, the reactivation of the Armagus is feasible with the infusion of 13 million souls into the wielder's body." Before we all knew it, she shifted into her mecha form and used her long braided hair to tie me up close to her. "Position calculated to yield maximum efficiency of soul harvesting process. Proceeding to destination."

And the crazy little mecha girl took off with me hogtied by her side. I was hoping that Nagato or even Rachel would have pulled something off to keep me within the vicinity but I suppose with the number of swords that v-13 just flung to cover her escape, it couldn't be helped that they would be stuck behind. I do wonder how they'll be able to catch up with a mecha girl going at near supersonic speeds.

All I know is that going at supersonic speed in just a school uniform isn't very good for the health. In fact I'm pretty sure doing that causes one to hallucinate for right now, I'm hearing the wind call out "Nii-san!" in some female voice.

"Nii-san!"

There it is again. And there goes my vision because now I'm seeing my little sister somehow managing to keep up with us by powerful leaps, bouncing off residential rooftops. Somewhere along the way, she seemed to change her appearance from a little girl to a more mature woman in a Library uniform, which threw me for a loop since I seem to recall the Library really wanting my head on a platter back in my old life.

And she was wielding a pair of large guns that seemed familiar to me...

"Revolver Blast!"

Ah, now I remember her. Noel Vermillion. Someone who's actually not a bad person since she actually tried to prevent me from falling into the cauldron after v-13 managed to stab me. Too bad I'm remembering this as I'm falling to my death as her shots freed me from v-13's grip while the mecha girl spun out of control and landed who knows where. If I do make it out alive, I really ought to thank Noel for her efforts.

"NII-SAN!!"

The next thing I know is that yet another female had latched herself on me but in this scenario, I'm welcoming it as she's in the process of saving my life. That Noel gal is a lot tougher than she looks since she managed to catch me and shield me from the fall without that much trouble. Her uniform did get a bit ruffled though but nothing a good wash couldn't handle.

"Thank you, Vermillion-san."

"Don't call me that!"

Overreacting a bit, aren't you? If you don't want to be called Vermillion-san, what should I call you?

"Call me Saya-chan like you used to! Say my name the way you used to say it when we were little! With love and tenderness!"

W-w-what?

"...... I see you haven't remembered that far back yet..."

What am I supposed to remember?! Tell me!

"It's okay... you don't have to worry about anything. This time, let me take care of you!"

Geez, awkward moment here for me. The only thing I could do was awkwardly put my arms around her while she hugged me as if her life depended on it.

"Scanning... scanning... scanning... complete. Target has been identified as a hostile element."

Well, I figured that v-13 wouldn't be finished off so easily since she hardly had a scratch on her when she landed only a few feet away from us. Noel let go of me and took up her revolvers again which had been lying next to her.

"Leave her to me, nii-san... and when this is over, we can go back to living as a family again." She gave me one more tender smile before focusing on her opponent.

And to be honest... hearing them speak the same thing simultaneously was a bit eerie.

**"Activate termination protocols."**

_The Wheel of Fate is Turning..._

Rebel 1...

ACTION!!


	4. The awesomeness of Bang Install

The atmosphere around me was pretty intense as v-13 and Noel were blasting each other with everything they had. Lots of explosions and stuff. I'm pretty sure by now that the local authorities were on their way here since this commotion would be too hard to miss.

By the way, I wonder if Noel had some infinite ammo cheat enabled because I have yet to see her reload her guns even once. Then again, it's probably her Armagus that helps her keep fresh ammo in her weapons.

"There you are. I've been looking all over for you."

Hmmm... since you're a vampire, shouldn't you be screaming in agony because of exposure to the sun's rays? I don't know how much protection that umbrella familiar of yours gives you...

"It was very rude leaving your cute fiancée behind like that."

In case you didn't realize, Rachel...

1. I'm not your future husband.  
2. I was kidnapped by a psycho mecha girl who wants to blow up the world so it's not like I willingly went with her.

Now with that out of the way, what happened to the others?

"They are still back at the school although I believe that they will try to make their way here as fast as possible."

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

The sound of Noel's gunfire managed to divert Rachel's attention for a moment. "Hm... I suppose I should do something about this."

Gee, you think?

"Watch your tongue, Ragna. I am in no mood to tolerate that sarcastic tone of yours."

Yikes.

And just for the record, I actually waited until Rachel joined the fight up above before muttering 'Yikes' under my breath. I'm not suicidal, you know.

Even though the action was pretty fast and furious, my eyes were still able to follow things and I could see glimpses of each combatant's personality through their movements. For example, v-13 took a mechanical approach and used efficient long-range attacks that would have the highest probability of skewing the opponent.

Noel, on the other hand, was taking a few more risks to create openings so she could maximize her damage output against the mecha musume with her revolvers and had lost her hat and part of her white uniform top as a result, showing off her long blonde hair and that mark on her chest. She seemed to be fighting quite desperately.

As for Rachel, what can I say? She moved with the gracefulness of royalty, merely sidestepping v-13's attacks while waiting for an opening to exploit. Her face never showed any sign of irritation or impatience. Even in battle, she seemed to exert that aura of nobility and high class. For a brief moment, she and v-13 were in close range to each other… and a few seconds later, v-13 stopped her assault and plummeted to the ground like a rock.

BOOM!

To be honest, I wasn't expecting the fight to end the way it did. I sorta had the vision of an all-out battle, Haruhi making it in time to see the finale, the other SOS brigade members having to expose themselves as they implement damage control efforts.

Well, I won't complain too much about the fight's end since it was now very quiet. The fact that v-13 was down for the count was a big plus although I really didn't understand her twitching and her repeated dronings of "S-system error... system error..." before she finally shut down after starting something called 'stasis lock'.

The other two combatants slowly lowered to the ground with Noel slightly panting as she asked:

"What... just happened? What did you do to her, Rachel?"

"I simply overloaded her internal processors by uploading a musical file by a local artist on infinite loop into her central core so that it would corrupt her current operating system. Nothing to worry about."

I'm sorry but I have to worry anyway.

"Allow me to briefly demonstrate what I mean." And with the flick of a switch on v-13's head, my eardrums were blasted with...

**BANG BANG BANG BANG!! The spirit of bang! Let your fighting spirit shine like the bright moon!**

**BANG BANG BANG BANG! The spirit of bang! Like the fierce flame that can crush mountains!**

**Your belief, your heart, the brightly burning sun, flare them up! Become a dragon that's faster than light! BURNING BANG!**

**Bang bang bang bang bang bang! Bang bang bang bang bang bang! Bang bang bang bang bang bang! Bang bang bang-**

*Click*

Thanks for crashing my hearing, Rachel.

"Correction. I super crashed your hearing."

Apparently not enough since I managed to hear you say that.

AN: As I mentioned in my profile, updates will be infrequent. I'm just doing this story for shits and giggles at the moment.


	5. Hands off my brother!

"It's quite remarkable, Miss Noel. Not only did you completely seal his Armagus, you also managed to regenerate his right arm."

How about you stop circling my brother like a cat ready to pounce on a mouse, Rachel? Or better yet, some crazy rabbit?

"Very well. But at least let me thank you for reversing Ragna's vampirism. It is relieving that I no longer have a constant reminder that I have succumbed to my impulses whenever I see him. How did you manage to do it?"

It was something to do with the Boundary. When I woke up, I found my brother unconscious as a twelve year old. All I knew was that I had a second chance to live a normal life with Kyon-kun being a part of it. I had to make use of it... I had to!! You wouldn't understand!

"Perhaps... but isn't it a bit selfish of you just to go ahead and set up this family life in this world without Ragna's consent? You concealed the truth from him. You practically killed his true self to bring Kyon-kun into the world."

We were robbed of those years!! And Kyon-kun is his true self! If it hadn't been for the Dark Susano'o attacking us back then, this is how he would have turned out!

"Easy there..."

Brother, I did this for us! For the children who never had a chance! I only wanted to live a normal life with you in this world! Please don't hate me!

"Ssssshhhh... it's okay. I don't hate you... come here, Saya-chan."

Brother!! Oh, how I wish I could just keep hugging you like this!

"Ahem... I hate to interrupt a touching moment between siblings but..."

But nothing! How about you just leave us alone?!

"Don't go around picking a fight with someone who just helped us."

What? I can take her! Besides, she's going to try and take you away from me by bringing back Ragna the Bloodedge!

"If that is what worries you, then fear not. Whether he is Ragna or Kyon is irrelevant to me. I merely wish to remain by his side just like you." A pause. "Besides, you could probably use another person to watch over him when you are unable to."

I'm more than capable of protecting my brother from that bastard Kisaragi.

"Jin should be the least of your concerns. Although dangerous, he is nothing compared to... _that man_."

Terumi...

"We all saw what he was capable of back at the Boundary. I would say the chances of him existing in this world and actively pursuing whatever goals he has in mind are quite high. And as you have 'reset' your brother, the chances of him coming after Ragna again are high as well."

"You can't just unseal my Armagus? Preferably with a method that doesn't include absorbing souls like v-13 tried earlier?"

"It would take time to make an attempt and there are no guarantees on its success. For now, it would be best if I allied with you to provide additional protection from those who would target you in this state."

I really didn't like this... but the fact is that when it came to my brother, Rachel had this sincere honesty around her.

......

......

Fine. You can help look after him when I'm not around. Just don't try anything funny, Rachel Alucard.

"Since we're going to be in-laws, I would prefer it if you can call me 'onee-sama'."

Screw you.

"That would be your brother's job."

LEMME AT HER, KYON-KUN!!! JUST ONE SHOT!!

"_Yare yare_..."


	6. The depression of Noel Vermillion

My luck was running quite oddly today.

The good part was that so far, Haruhi and the rest of the Brigade have yet to find me. That meant me not having to explain more about my old life or the uniqueness of my companions. I'm pretty sure that means more closed space would be forming until Haruhi got her answers. Hopefully, it won't be too much work for Koizumi.

Who am I kidding?

The bad part was that we would need to walk back to the house. Now, the walk itself I won't mind but it's the fact that I got designated as the pack mule who has to carry v-13.

And let me tell you something... mecha musumes are seriously heavy.

At least we managed to make it home without any other incidents happening. Saya went in first and headed upstairs. Probably to change out of her damaged uniform into something else.

"Rowr!"

I'm home, Shamisen. Don't mind the mecha girl I'm dragging in. She's only here so we can watch over her and make sure she doesn't fall into the clutches of some mad scientist.

Voice mailbox is blinking. Pretty rapidly... 15 messages? Most of these belonged to Haruhi's cell number but I think I even saw my own cell number flash by when it was showing the list of callers.

Oh, right... v-13's kidnapping of me and all my stuff being left behind in the clubroom. That means, I should expect a visit from the Brigade to my house in the near future.

"Mrow..."

An empty food dish? Ah, right... Saya usually feeds you after school but since she came to my rescue, you didn't get your supper. I'll be there in just a bit...

Rachel, why are you still standing outside the front door?

"I have to be invited in."

Oh... well, come in and please take the robo girl upstairs while I fill Shamisen's food dish.

"Alright but I expect you to pay me back for this little service."

Excuse me? You're only using a little wind magic to levitate the mecha girl upstairs while I had to shed blood, sweat and tears dragging her! Argh, forget it!

"Meow..."

Yeah, yeah... gimme a second here. Canned salmon a la Kyon coming right up.

"Merroww..."

You want to eat outside? It is a nice day outside so I guess it's okay. Just let me open the door outside and...

"FFFOOOOOOOODDD!"

"WAAAAUUUGGGHH!"

...... wonder when the hell did catgirls start raining from the sky right after I recover from my near heart attack.

I honestly was pretty lucky back there that my hands weren't eaten off when the catgirl pounced on the salmon dish. She was dressed pretty oddly in some large yellowish coat, thick sleeves that concealed her paws (with openings in the hand section presumably for claws to come out) and a pair of yellow coverings to conceal her cat ears. Her legs were exposed, showing off some dark skin while her feet were covered in stockings. And there were even holes in her coat to allow room for two long braids of light brown hair.

As for her face, it looked like something that a toddler would draw. A pair of red eyes and sharp teeth against a black surface. Is it a mask of sorts?

"Ragna, what happened?"

"Nii-san?"

I have to admit that their response time to my yelp of surprise was damn fast. Both of them were ready to go into battle within moments although my sister's attire was a bit rushed with only a blue plaid skirt, black knee stockings and a barely buttoned up white dress shirt (with nothing underneath since I could clearly see some cleavage).

In any case, once they saw who was greedily devouring the salmon, they seemed to relax a little bit. That meant the catgirl wouldn't be hostile... for now.

"Wait a moment... is that...?"

"A member of the Kaka tribe." Rachel approached the new arrival, hardly flinching at the sounds of someone pigging out. "How did you manage to come here?"

A pause as the catgirl lifted her face, showing bits of salmon on her cheeks. "Cat person told Taokaka to go to the bright shiny place, nya!" And back to scarfing she went.

"Cat person..." Another pause before realization came to her eyes. "So even Jubei was aware of the time loops. He must have chosen her in his attempt to break the continuous cycle."

Jubei... that name sounds familiar. Wait a minute... Jubei-shisou? And what's this about time loops? I've had enough of that already this past August thank you very much!

"Ne ne... does Good-Guy have more food for Taokaka, miya?"

You remember me?

"Taokaka remembers Good-Guy! Good-Guy shared some shrimp with Taokaka, nya! That's why Taokaka likes Good-Guy, nya!"

Oh... that's all well and good but do you mind not hugging me and getting salmon bits all over my uniform?

"Hey, get off of him!"

"Taokaka doesn't wanna! Go away, Lacking Lady!"

*PPBBBBTTT*

"L-lacking lady? L-l-lacking…"

Rachel, please deal with Taokaka while I try and snap Saya out from her sudden bout of depression.

"I'm putting that on your tab."

What tab?

"The tab I intend to collect from you when we go on our honeymoon."

Dammit, would you just go already, you dumb rabbit?

One small moment later and I was finally able to breathe. Rachel's familiars had worked to pry off Taokaka, who was now fast asleep. Just how did she do that?

"Zzzzzzzz..."

Okay... now how to deal with Saya-chan?


	7. All hail pettanko

I think there's something seriously wrong with me.

For starters, I was wondering just when did I turn into someone who could simply stand at Death's door and not even blink (and I had been a few hours ago when I was originally cut free from v-13's grip). Heck, if Asakura-san were to somehow return and try to kill me again, I would probably just shrug. After all, a lot of people were interested in ending my life when I had a huge bounty on my head so maybe some of that indifference is kicking in.

That's not even the whole story though. What's interesting is that the discomfort I would normally have if I were still my original normal self dealing with the fate of the world is now raging. All due to seeing Saya-chan get so down in the dumps after hearing Taokaka call her 'Lacking Lady'.

Yeah, I think that sums things up quite nicely.

She was curled up on one end of the couch, still underdressed in that dress shirt and skirt. She wasn't crying but she was still looking pretty down in the dumps.

Alright... big brother support speech time.

"...... you shouldn't let what she says get to you. I think you have a good bust!"

Way to go, Kyon. Kami-sama, why don't you just hand me the award for 'worst big brother in the history of mankind' already?

"Kyon-kun? What do you think... about breast sizes?"

Er...

"You like big breasts, right? That's the reason why you constantly have your eyes on Asahina-san."

Since when did this turn into a discussion on what type of breast size turns me on the most?

"Just answer the question."

Well, I recall my original reason for keeping an eye out for Asahina-san was to protect her from Haruhi's harassment and because she was extremely cute. But breasts had nothing to do with it! I swear!

"Seriously? I'm having a hard time believing you here..."

Breasts aren't everything. Back when Nagato-san wore glasses and had that quiet, shy and normal personality in the world where Haruhi never went to North High, I found that to be quite adorable. In fact, I can probably say that her moé was better than Asahina-san's moé by half a notch.

But in any case, I can like girls with small breast sizes too!

"Oho... that's nice to hear, Ragna."

I felt a sense of dread as soon as I felt those slim arms slipping around my shoulders along with Rachel's smooth sultry voice.

"That means you won't have any objection to my marriage proposal?"

...... this can probably be classified as an 'Oh Crap' moment. Especially the minute Saya drew out one of her pistols and pointed the barrel right in Rachel's face.

"Didn't I say no funny business?"

"This hardly counts as anything 'funny', as you put it so crudely."

"You're invading his personal space!"

"He doesn't seem to be complaining about it," retorted the vampire.

That's because all my attempts to give a damn about it have aborted midway. Maybe if I were more Ragna than Kyon, then I probably would have tried to slashing you with my sword or something.

"That's cold, Ragna."

Deal with it. Now please get off me so I can start dinner.


	8. Kick it up a notch, Sayachan!

I felt a certain level of comfort as I went around the kitchen gathering things for tonight's meal. Possibly because my mind could take a break from worrying over the day's events and just focus on the preparation of the food. The miso soup and rice should be quick to put together so the only thing to worry about dinner wise is to decide for a main dish or two to suit everybody's tastes...

"Nii-san, can I help cook too?"

"Uh..." Scratch that last bit. Now the big worry to deal with, dinner wise, would be to determine whether I should let my little sister help out.

Upon looking at her just as she stopped right in front of me, she had that cute look of enthusiasm on her face. Heck, she already put on a pink apron, that had a small super deformed panda in the corner, over her current attire. But there was something nagging in my head regarding her cooking skills that I couldn't put a finger on. "Alright, I'm ready! Where should I start first?"

I was tempted to just shoo her out but for some reason, I had this strange vision that if I did just that, she would transform into a semi-nude cyborg with an iron plate for 'Twelve' stamped on her forehead and go on a rampage, proclaiming that she hated the world because I wouldn't let her cook. The only thing I could think of in this instance was to stall like mad until I came up with a good reason to boot her out or let her stay. "Uh... why don't you take a minute to figure out what you want to make? I need to talk with our guest to see what she would prefer."

"Okay but don't take too long!"

While I left her alone in the kitchen, I quietly made my way over to Rachel, who seemed rather amused at how this was playing out. "Just when I thought your bravery and foolishness cannot go any further, you go ahead and prove me wrong, Ragna."

What's that supposed to mean?

"To put it simply, Noel has the unique ability to produce..." She paused as if trying to find the proper word to describe it. "... something that defies any sort of normal definition. If you see it in its finished form, you will hate it as much as it hates you while it squats malevolently on that dinner plate."

So you're implying that she's a bad cook?

"Implying? Ragna, I'm outright stating that she cannot produce anything that would be considered edible by a barbarian's standards. Even if you don't remember, I do," said the female vampire with disgust written all over her face.

Now you're just being ridiculous, you rabbit.

"And why are you so confident that she's adequate in the kitchen?"

Because she's been coming to me for cooking lessons in the past week. Mind you that I only caved in recently about this since she was too young to handle the stove safely... or at least I thought she was too young but obviously, she's older than I had expected due to that Armagus thingy and stuff. And it's only just a few tips like using fresh ingredients and how to properly mask strong flavours and odours.

"You... gave her cooking lessons..."

Is there a problem with that?

"Not at all, my dear Ragna. I just wonder whether you would be able to increase her competency in the kitchen..." All this time, Rachel had that little superior smirk on her lips which got on my nerves.

That's it... I'll wipe that smirk off your face by having her cook a very tasty dish!

"Hmph... I expect to be amused."


	9. The last minute save from Taokaka

"… …"

That's right, rabbit! Look at it! Look at this dish and tremble before the culinary awesomeness of it!

My sister was really pleased with how it turned out as well. "So what do you think?"

"… it looks… edible…" A beat as Rachel's dainty nose took a sniff of the simple looking chicken and vegetable curry mixture on top of rice. "There's no aroma though."

I guess Saya did go a bit overboard with masking the flavour. But it shouldn't matter. For someone who's not into strong flavours like yourself, I figure that you would appreciate it more.

"Excuse me?"

Well, who else did we make it for? You're a guest right now so go ahead and dig in!

"How generous. However I must decline. I have strict dietary requirements." Rachel paused for a moment before giving off that smirk that got under my nerves. "Besides, I believe little Noel is more interested in hearing your opinion of the taste."

Wait… what? That can't be right. Tell her she's wrong, Saya.

"Um… … I really would like to hear your thoughts on it, nii-san."

Oh, God… there was that bashful look. And her cheeks were kinda red, even when mixed in with bits of curry sauce. It was at that moment that I realized I was in a tight spot. If I don't do the honourable brotherly thing and eat the dish up, Saya-chan will be sad. As in 'you bastard, why did you shoot Bambi's mother?' sad.

"Here are your utensils and your napkin, dear." Dammit, you're really enjoying this too damn much, rabbit! You're just going to sit there smirking while I risk my neck to taste my sister's cooking?

I admit this is a pretty dumb way to die. I mean, I've survived Asakura Ryoko's attempts to kill me and now here I am, about to go to my death due to food poisoning.

"FOOD, NYAAAAAA!" That was the only warning I had to get out of the danger zone and let a certain cat girl who pounced me earlier attack the dish that my sister cooked.

It seems that the fates were looking out for me. Thank you, Kami-sama! I shall be certain to repay you later with offerings of fruit, money and as much fish that Taokaka wants.

"Argh! That was for my brother!"

"I didn't see his name on it!" And within one minute, the plate was polished. "Ah, that was… OOH!"

She wasn't looking so good. In fact, she pretty much fell flat on the table, clutching her stomach while meowing in pain.

"So how is it? Does it taste good?" My sister was looking pretty nervous right about now.

"It tastes like… burning, nyaaaaaaa!"

… … what the hell did you put in there?

"Let's see… this is the list of ingredients that I used-" I snatched the list away from her and went over it. Chicken drumsticks, yogurt, potatoes, big onions… the list looks right.

I checked back in the kitchen to search for clues before finding that the coconut milk and the yogurt gave off this odd odour as if they had gone past the expiry date.

I heard the light footsteps of the vampire behind me. "I see we have our culprit."

But that's impossible. I checked the expiry date myself when I helped with the grocery shopping in the last trip. It was still good!

"… perhaps… a side effect of Takamagahara's attempts to manipulate causality?"

Stop with the techno gibberish already, rabbit! We need to find a doctor… er, vet!

*DING DONG*

Now what?


End file.
